by Bunny B. Czarnopys
Couples who are in committed relationships create a special, sacred space. However, many couples who come to therapy bring issues related to conflict, closed emotional expression, lack of passion and spiritual bankruptcy.
At times, couples decide that living in a relationship that is devoid of passion and energy comes from a decision that it is easier to live as a passionless couple than it is to live as a lonely single. Out of fear, they may feel that the economic benefits out weigh the psychological gains of termination. Thus couples may remain physically together in a spiritually dead relationship.
When a couple’s relationship and “spirit” or energy has been dead for a period of time, they may have simply avoided the truth about themselves. They may deny the pain that staying in the relationship causes them.
There are specific messages that individuals may give to themselves which reify the patterns they have created. Initially, they may not recognize the messages inside themselves, but they may be able to identify specific behaviors indicative to the internal messages. It is the “I know but . . .” syndrome. It looks like this:
Inside Message to Self Outside Behavior
1. It’s not that bad; it could be worse. 1. Do nothing to change;
avoid problems.
2. Downplay the hurt; deny the pain. 2. Blame an outside stress;
explain or justify the
problems.
3. Deny the possibility of change. 3. Act self-pitying; Resist
confrontation & play
victim.
4. Ignore personal responsibilities & 4. Get depressed, medicate
and one’s abilities. through excessive behavior
(eat, drink, work, etc.)
5. Low self-worth & apathy 5. Depression, Burnout,
Addiction, Suicide
There are qualities of both spiritually alive and spiritually dead relationships. These qualities are as follows:
Spiritually Alive Relationships Spiritually Dead Relationships
1, High energy & excitement 1. Low energy and sadness
2. Responsive to each other’s needs 2. Indifferent to each other’s needs
3. High Trust Level 3. Lack of Trust
4. Best Friends with each other 4. Best Friends outside of relationship
5. Many meaningful talks & true feelings 5. Routine & Superficial Communication
Shared
6. Know each other, listen & understand 6. Both feel unheard and misunderstood
7. Pleasure in each other’s company 7. Grim times together
8. Manageable lifestyle – can say 8. Busy & chaotic lifestyle – can’t say
“no” to protect coupleship “no” to invaders
9. Plan playtime carefully 9. Not much playtime together
10. Work through conflicts 10. Silent treatment & avoidance
11. Passionate sexual encounters 11. Passionless sexual encounters or lack
of sexual encounters
When couples continue to deny conflict, they may appear to live in harmony to other people outside of the relationship. However, each individual carries his or her own private pain. Living in a lie leads to stresses and strains. Often children are the ones who express the stresses and strains of the relationship of their parents. Other signs of “just looking good” to others are stress-related illnesses and chronic physical problems that may plague either of the individuals in the relationship or both.
It is important to do an assessment of the satisfaction of both partners in the relationship, especially if the couple wants to work on deepening the love in the relationship. It may be very scary for each partner. They may fear that by opening up and sharing their feelings they may lose the love of their partner. However, if the quality of the relationship is not closely examined, the possibilities of improving the relationship are limited.
Before an assessment of the satisfaction of the relationship, it is helpful to have the couple articulate what they would like their relationship to look like. Often, the “miracle question” is a good way to help the couple to begin to risk expressing what their “ideal” relationship would look like.
The miracle question may be phrased as follows: Let’s say this miracle happens. In a week or two, you go to bed and wake up and the miracle has happened. Your relationship is as you would like it to be. What are the first things you notice that are different? By helping each of the partners to begin to articulate the behaviors they would notice about themselves and their partners, we begin to address the solutions to the problems they have previously expressed. This solution focused exercise helps to create the space and plant the seed of hope that change is possible.
At some point in time, when the couple is ready, it is suggested that the couple take a day to act “as if” the miracle has already occurred in their lives. By having each partner take a day to act “as if” it has happened, they can become aware of the patterns of behavior that they, themselves, are responsible for changing.
This approach creates a less blaming more solution driven opportunity to practice new ways of moving in the relationship which may lead to a renewed vitality in the couple’s relationship.
There are 4-C’s to healthy relationships in general:
- Communication
- Commitment
- Cooperation
- Compatibility
Communication is the most important task of a healthy, vital relationship. If the individuals in the relationship feel the comfort and trust to share their thoughts and feelings, conflicts in the relationship can be addressed.
Commitment is a very important part of a healthy relationship. When individuals are committed to the relationship and have the ability to communicate clearly, fairly, and effectively, they can navigate issues that may cause distress.
Cooperation is another important aspect of healthy relationships. When individuals work together towards common goals, positive energy feeds the relationship. When there are times when cooperation is not possible, the individuals can use their communication skills, as well as, their commitment to the relationship to “agree to disagree.”
Finally, the last aspect of healthy relationships is compatibility. When the individuals in the relationship have mutual interests, navigating the challenges of being in relationship is easier. Spiritual compatibility seems to be an essential element of a growing, “spirit-filled” relationship.
Whether working with couples or assessing ones’ own relationship, it is helpful to be aware of the Spiritual aspects of oneself and ones’ own relationships. By becoming aware of the qualities of a Spiritually Alive Relationship, we can help to continue to create and hold the space for these relationships in others and for ourselves.
* Aspects of this article were adapted from Coupleship: A Spiritual Connection by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruise, MA, Professional Counselor, August 1995.